outsides 1992

The work on this _log is work that relinquished in my show in Baltimore. I have a huge amount of work that has either been given away- sold or all ready gone away. This past few weeks my dreams have included images and text from a show I did in 1992 titled OUTSIDES. I did a two person show with my friend Mary Cecile Gee amazing artist- writer performer friend.. she was the artist who drove along with me to Baltimore.  Well the story of this show is I was living in an amazing house/apartment in Pasadena California.  This house was a home- it was enchanted, it had soul, presence and a voice. My intuition was everyone who moved in had deep family wounds that needed to be resolved and the house helped people heal those wounds. When the house did not like someone,  the person moved right out. It all sounds silly as Im writing it, but It was a powerful place.  It was in a part of pasadena that was still filled with used books stores and gay bars.  The people in the house were varied artists- writers-actors quirky weird odd balls who made an amazing community and created family and tribe together….

There was a woman Barbara Jean who lived in of the apartments for over 30 years. She did not let many people in, but she was always kind to me. She died in her home and had no family or no family that cared to come and look over the objects and details of her life. I was deeply drawn into cleaning out her last belongings. Going through someones personal belongings is a very intense and sacred experience.   I am going through it again with my mothers belongings. It was an honor to know Barbara Jeans life.  I felt like I knew Barbara Jean through her items, her empty boxes, her erotic reading material, the tupperware, clothes, pots and pans.  I had a deep feeling that I wanted to do show that would somehow honor Barbara Jeans life as well as transform and exorcise the space. We did the show in Barbara Jeans apartment.  I used color and materials Mary Cecile.. cut crosses out of wood- made images and used Barbara Jeans items to create this show.  Mary Cecile had a deep sensitivity towards everything in Barbara Jean’s home.  We shared a beautiful experience preparing this show.  I am sure that my recent dreams of this work is bringing me back to celebrating, communicating with and honoring the dead.  I had a dream a few nights ago with african rhinos and hippos in a large grass field.. there were dead animals and new born animals.. it was a valley of death and re birth an ancient cycle that every human being goes through….In this dream I sat by a large river covered in salt but the river was partially made out of concrete spray painted white… the ancient nature mixing with the nature I have created for myself.  When my mother was in the last month of her life her doctors said to her everyone dies – the time frame is different for everyone. It sounds so simple yet it is such a shared human experience…

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october 29- november 18 – january 31

I have not written for quite awhile as my life has taken so many twists and turns. A few friends were a bit concerned with this project especially when I said I was exploring what it was to let go of people… I was not feeling like I wanted to check out or anything like that.. but what has transpired was a foreshadowing what was to come… Right after my I returned from Baltimore my mother was diagnosed with terminal stage 4 cancers…. I stepped right into to full time care taking and we lost her on October 29th 2011…. She died with amazing beauty and peace… I had a deeply turbulent relationship with her my entire life.  She was ungratuitously mean and was a very difficult person.  She taught me how to be fierce and how to fight.   To have the deep love and care for her at the end of her life was almost a miracle.   Many times in my life Id say, when my mom dies she would be lucky if I threw her ashes in the trash… I say that to show the extent of the difficult relationship… Somehow all those heavy childhood emotions got moved- they all seemed like a dream… The reality is they got moved because i worked on myself with great diligence…..

Here is the text that I sent out to my loved ones after her death…..

My momma passed yesterday afternoon at 3:52 pm… there was great love around her, humor, joy and beauty- she looked beautiful…..

my brother held her hand and myself and three amazing women care takers were around her…. she made a joke when she died so there was comic- morbid relief..

we let her rest for hours, anointed her in oils and dressed her up in a beautiful outfit……

the crows were circling her window this afternoon… the light is still on in her room and the windows are open… im broken hearted….

thank you for the love…. blessings to you and to my mother jan, with love pam

she asked me to keep her and my fathers ashes in my home for a few years in beautiful Italian funeral cabinets.. I am deeply grateful that I have them…..

I thought the death of my mother was big enough until I lost my amazing dear departed teacher Roger Woolger in mid November. Roger was a brilliant  Oxford educated – Jungian analyst- healer- teacher – shaman-trouble maker-crazy soul- wild spirit- burning with a itch to know more. I worked with him for over 8 years off and on. This was a man who could hold deep, deep complex feeling with amazing comfort and grace. His heart and intensity was ferocious.  Rogers rebellious nature was non stop his mind had lots of heat and  edges.  When I would participate in past life regression with Roger and he would hold me while I sobbed to the point he would start crying himself. Rogers empathy and deep connection to feeling was unsurpassed. Rogers work DMP deep memory processing is profoundly important in that it helps anyone access the deeper currents of feeling. The work is deep soul retrieval- it explores all the memories in the physical body and in the psyche.  The work integrates conventional and un conventional Western psychological systems and occult practices- Reichian body work  – images- astrology- past lives- history-herstory-art -tarot- wiccan-divination- life- death- rebirth-Eastern medicine-Shamanism-South American Mysticism into a highly refined complex set of topographies to help us enter the hidden aspects of the psyche….. My feeling is the Roger was a healer who had the ability to pull trauma from people and my guess is that some of that went into him and gave him cancers…..

My holidays were awful in ways I could not imagine… I miss my momma, her voice and just her physical presence. I miss her quirks and her complaining…..  Im so very grateful to have had the time with her before she died…

…. I felt deeply for Rogers family….

Then at the end of January we lost my teacher and friend mike.  I was asked to be in a show of his students and below is the statement I wrote for that.  Mike was and continues to be a wonder…

As a teacher Mike had uncanny and acute powers of observation. He noticed most everything and looked at every detail. He was genuinely interested in and paid keen attention to everything I made and most always had fantastic feedback and questions about what I was doing. I was deeply touched by the way Mike took in what was around him- the way he would touch his glasses in excitement and then laugh something about visual masturbation.  While I worked with him in graduate school he would come into my studio and weave numinous complex stories out of everything that inspired him.  Now some of the time his comments had nothing to do with what I was thinking and that pissed me off many times. Nevertheless he was a joyous sight to behold and I thoroughly enjoyed watching him twist tall, long and short tales out of anything and everything. I experienced him as a sensualist with words and material.  He was a cranky virtuoso at play.  I learned a great deal from the vast languages in Mikes visual worlds.   I love when Carolee Schneemann cites the first time she saw Bill de Kooning as there was light spilling out of his head.  I’m choosing to remember Mike with my own proverbial set of acid green colored glasses. Acid green being the color of his aura the first time my eyes noticed him. Mike is and was a magnificently wondrous human being. I will miss his physical presence. I can see him snarling at the way I am describing him but what can I say.  I hope he is giving hell to someone out there.

As im writing this Im so aware of the gender specifics which which I wrote with, all these souls were multi gender….

up-date news– saved from the dump for now

I heard from Sue and ARSCAPE an amazing art fair in Baltimore is taking the entire show for the fair in July……

art scape link is …..   http://www.artscape.org/    my work is going into the Rabbit hole show…..

Baltimore is an amazing city there are a huge amount Universities, all the Museum’s are free of charge and there is enormous support for the arts.  I met so many great people, they were so very supportive and genuinely interested in what art is and the possibility of what art can be.   What a terrific city…. Sue had said it was great and now I can see why…..

here is the link to the show my work has been installed at in the childrens Nature Park…..happy to have the work have a new life……www.flickr.com/photos/natureartbaltimore/sets/

another update is that I have have the work adopted by lots of different people….curator-a grafitti artist-art critic-museum board member-friends-artists-john the homeless man (and proud of it he said) the humanities of baltimore -… I am thrilled that the work has homes is such diverse places and with such interesting people…. I am thrilled ……

cadallic ranch

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these were images from texas.. the amazing ant farm piece…

this was quite remarkable, it looked brand new, there are so many layers of spray paint on these the are constantly being refurbished…

after-post baltimore

Ive been home for almost a week now and so much has come up after this experience.  People keep asking me how it was and my one answer is that it was 1000% successful.  The thing was so strong to me was the awkward feelings that I had almost the entire time in Baltimore.  I was really aware of the taboo aspect of this piece.  You just are not supposed to destroy your work.  When I was having too much fun at the dump I was aware of the sorrow and shame that I also felt.  Sue had said to me that she was excited to go to the dump after the show and throw the rest of it away she quickly responded, “im not happy to throw your work away”.  What I was aware of was that complex tension of wild delight in the kind of brutality the cutting things apart, watching the dump claw pick up the work mangled combined with the sadness of what that entailed.    

It is a bit of a given that the work can be re-made if necessary, but nothing can quite be as awkward as destroying your work in public, especially if the work originally was not made for that.   I adore the tight rope of questions that this piece brings up… am I destroying out of rage and or out of empowerment? am i a victim of the system or a transformative aspect of what we call art, especially my own art?  our erotic delights in watching things fall apart? Do things have to be destroyed for new things to grow.  The brutality of nature itself.   all many questions that have been brought up

day 6 delivery to baltimore first cuts

this is unload and first cutting in baltimore…  we take over the street….

public sculpture social sculpture actions painting material chaos change performance installation joy chance insides divine connection running glass hands dirt pink empty full voice radio loving here to there to there voices from the streets passersby joy

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